Scars line my body like stars
throughout the night.
The sky opens up to reveal
that the devil is real,
beautiful,
a fallen angel
who used to be gods favorite,
The one that guided me, now holding
the knife. My world changed
with one incision,
the pain
no longer taking
hold.
cursed,
nothing can save me.
I don't know
what I have done
I like the presence that develops behind these poems as they go. They're very dark, and the themes are consistent, but a theme of violence develops as they go: with images of a woman, a destroyer of men, that can be read literally or figuratively, and produce interesting results either way.
ReplyDeleteThere's also, I think, an influence from song-lyrics, which could be a strength but might be something to look out for. Lines like "I drown in the blood of destruction" or "Poison
lines my lips as I lean in for a kiss" have a lot of potential, but I think the best thing now would be to look for ways to phrase what you're trying to say in a more individual way, rather than using external images.
There are also some intersting Biblical undertones; images of heaven and hell, battlefields, etc. I think the main thing your poems have in common is that they're all dangerous--they take place in settings where everything is destruction, and as you go I'd look for ways to make that more reflected in the actual text, and build from there.
Excellent critique, Kyle . . .
ReplyDelete